Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


I don’t understand what the big deal is about this ‘Octomom.’ It’s perfectly natural for a mother to give birth to eight babies — if she’s a cocker spaniel.

This season’s American Idol has been quite controversial. You’ve got a girl whose looks and voice don’t match her age, another who thinks she’s far more attractive than she is, two guys with zero talent who think they’re God’s gift to the music industry and one who is relying solely on his metrosexual allure. And I’m just talking about Ryan Seacrest and the judges…

Speaking of bad TV, Dancing With The Stars has managed to outdo itself in the unknown ‘celebrity’ category this season. This gaggle of spares makes Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice cast seem relevant.

Maybe they should combine Idol and DWTS. At least then Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell could resolve their sexual tensions by grinding out the Lambada on the dance floor. Ugh, on second thought, maybe not.

Just the thought of all that matted, sweaty chest hair makes me wanna hurl. Man, Paula has really let herself go.

One of my favorite TV ‘stars,’ the Shamwow infomercial guy, got arrested for assaulting a prostitute he reportedly paid $1000 to have sex with. Apparently, she bit his tongue during coitus and wouldn’t let go. I guess she had some stains he just couldn’t get to come up…

The real question is how does a hack like that afford a $1000 hooker? He must be on the board for AIG.