Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


For the record, let me state that I have NEVER had sex with Senator Larry Craig and have no immediate plans to do so. It would seem these days I am in the minority…

In related news, all this recent scandal has uncovered records of Craig denying his sexuality in similar cases dating back to 1967. Dude, seriously. It’s been 40 years. You’re here, you’re queer, get used to it. Go ahead and retire, hire yourself a well-hung male nurse from Haiti and enjoy the rest of your miserable life!

Pam Anderson revealed recently she is thinking of retiring. Um, from what, may I ask? Has she done any actual real work since wrestling Tommy Lee’s boat honker anyway?

Meanwhile, Tori Spelling is the new pitchwoman for NutriSystem. Call me crazy, but if I’m hiring someone to shill for my self-improvement product, methinks they would have to be at least remotely attractive!

They actually let Don Imus back on the radio. Of course, he’s got a couple of new black comedians as sidemen to ‘keep him in line.’ Kinda like hiring a Jewish personal assistant for Hitler, isn’t it?

You know, Imus, if you’re so worried about “nappy-headedness,” ya might wanna take a glance at those eyebrows, buddy. Talk about a face for radio…