Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


Super Bowl fans in Tucson, AZ got quite a shocker after the Cardinals scored the go-ahead TD late in the fourth quarter. Comcast’s cable signal inexplicably cut out and went to a 30-second shot of porn star Evan Stone shaking his big, floppy man-bologna in the face of some girl on a couch. Kinda makes Janet Jackson’s ‘wardrobe malfunction’ of a few years back seem like a Disney movie in comparison.

At least it proved that Carson Daly isn’t the only dick NBC will put on the air.

Olympic swimming god Michael Phelps ran into some rough water this week as pictures of him taking bong hits surfaced on the web. Word is he was just trying to shrink himself down so he could do the backstroke across the bong water and break another record.

Newly elected New York senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D) won over many GOP voters because of her shockingly outspoken support of the NRA. Maybe she’ll be treated to a nice inaugural hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

It’s hard to make fun of New York, though, when we’re living in the city that will soon be home to the worst president in American history. His new quarters require a $1 million fence around the neighborhood as well as a reported $1 million a year for security and crowd control.

And who better to foot the bill for this ‘homeland security’ than the Dallas taxpayers themselves? And the city council is okay with this? Never mind there are potholes in Northwest Highway big enough to hide Osama Bin Laden in. Never mind the Trinity River is little more than a sewer with a 25mph current. Never mind that Deep Ellum makes living in Detroit sound like a decent idea. Ah, just never mind.

Let Richie Rich and his buddies live behind their golden wall. At least Americans can take solace in the fact that a man guilty of treason to his country from its highest office will be living behind some kind of bars.