Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


• Senator Hillary Clinton cites ‘sleep deprivation’ as the reason she claimed her mid-90s visit to Bosnia was under sniper fire and she faced grave danger. Turns out, she was actually met by dignitaries and a little girl bringing her flowers. So, lack of sleep causes you to completely make shit up? Hell, Linda and I are sleep deprived every month, and you don’t hear us spinning yarns about getting shot at outside some club…

• Clinton also claimed she was the first First Lady to ever visit a war-torn country in mid-conflict. Um, what about when Pat Nixon went to Vietnam??? Wow, shown up by a Nixon, of all people. Not a good sign.

• Horns up to North Richland Hills’ resident Mandi Hamlin, who was forced by the overbearing, intrusive, useless and ineffective TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) to remove her nipple rings before boarding a plane. Reportedly, she had to use pliers to get one of them out. OUCH! Note to self: next time I fly, be sure to wear the plastic scrote ring!

• You know, my mom has a metal rod in her leg from a car wreck. What’s next? Is she gonna have to cut that f*cker out every time she wants to fly?

• Funny thing is, last time I flew, I had a cigarette lighter, bottles of shampoo and cologne, a freakin’ Mach V razor and a tube of toothpaste all in my carry-on — each a clear rule violation. I had to take my shoes and my goddamn belt off, but they didn’t even flinch at the bag. Idiots!

• You heard it here first: it is April 2, the second day of baseball season. I am officially pronouncing the Texas Rangers as out of playoff contention. Unfortunately, the Mavs may be, too…

• By the way, if anything I said turns out to be total bullshit, I’ve only had four hours’ sleep in the last 72! Did I mention Linda and I are under heavy sniper fire?