Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


• I am so sick of this election bullshit. We should have a moratorium on any and all election until at least October. Bush is an idiot, Hillary’s a bitch, McCain is a dangerous, pre-Alzheimer psychopath and Obama is cool. We get it. Now go away.

• I just realized that by writing about how I’m sick of the election crap, I inadvertently drew more attention to it. Well, f*ck me. I can’t escape it!

• A new government projection says the world will have over 7 billion people by 2012. And we wonder why tsunamis, floods and earthquakes are happening at a record rate. Nature has a way of righting itself, folks. Now if we could just figure out how to assure the right people are, ahem, ‘recycled’...

• That sounded racist, or at the least nationalist, didn’t it? It wasn’t meant to be at all. I know PLENTY of white Americans who need to be shoveled into the landfill and soon!.

• And while we’re on that subject, can we please move Don Imus to the front of the line? The real question isn’t whether he’s a racist. The question is why anyone gives two shits what a washed-up old fart like him says to begin with? Go pluck your eyebrows and shut the f*ck up.

• Seems like everyone is eager to release a country record these days. Bon Jovi did it. Jewel did it. Now Jessica Simpson is doing it. Even Johnny Solinger has jumped on the C&W garbage truck. I hope this trend spreads to metal. Can you imagine what the first Slayer country record would be like? Now, those guys have friends in low places!

• This last Smack is reserved for the memory of the Great George Carlin, without whom I would never have learned to be bitter and cynical enough about my world to write such things. I would say God bless his soul, but he would probably tell me to shut the f*ck up with that kind of nonsensical talk.