Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


As we go to press, our country has elected its first-ever Black president (which I predicted in last year’s Best Of issue, you may recall). This is a moment in history we should all applaud and realize the historical significance of. America, ergo the world, took one of the biggest steps ever toward true civil liberty for all. Plus, now maybe we can fix some of the shit Dubya screwed up around here…

Unfortunately, not having Georgie Boy, Cheney, McCain and Palin to kick around anymore means this column is probably gonna suck from now on. Ah, who am I kidding? It wasn’t that funny to begin with.

One has to wonder, with Sarah Palin returning to the frozen rock she crawled from under, if Saturday Night Live will go back to sucking, too. Tina Fey’s dead-on impression of the gun-totin’, folksy-talkin’ hockey mom was the only thing making that show watch-able.

Maybe ABC should take a cue and get the G.I.L.F. (governor I’d like to…well, you know) to come on DWTS. Of course, she’d have to find the right partner. (see pg. 12)

See? Look at all this material I’ll be missing out on without the Axis Of Evil running the country! Well, I suppose politicians — even good ones — can always be counted on for adding fuel to the cynic’s fire. I’m fairly confident Washington’s f*ck-up factor will stay plenty high, even if the needle isn’t quite buried anymore.

And if it doesn’t? The Mavs, Stars, Rangers and now, apparently, the Cowboys all suck a bag of dicks — I can always focus on that. To wit:

I’m betting Tony Romo’s about as sick of pink as a Mary Kay sales rep (I was gonna say an OBGYN here, but thought the better of it). Jessica Simpson’s PINK jersey wrecked last season. Now his broken PINKy finger is wrecking this one. Forget what Steven Tyler said, ‘cause pink is not Romo’s favorite crayon.