Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


• Expecting seven of the most heinous Michael Jackson jokes ever this month? Well, I’m not doing that because enough is enough. As an artist, no one could touch him. As a human being, no one over 12 could touch him. Okay, I had one!
• Sorry, but it’s just too easy. The man gave us 25 years of amazing music and another 25 of legendary punch lines. Thanks, Jacko. May you melt, er…um, rest in pieces...I mean peace! Crap — I can’t help myself!!
• Let’s focus on some still-breathing miscreants that need a good smack or two. Take South Carolina’s Republican governor, Mark Sanford. After getting elected on a platform built around strong morals and Christian values, this self-righteous douchebag got caught cheating on his wife with a woman from Argentina. Oh yeah, and he used state monies to fund his many trips down to see her. This guy pulled off the ultimate ménage a trois — he f*cked his mistress, his wife and his constituency all at once!
• Not to be outdone, Nevada Senator John Ensign took things one step further. This guy was head of the Republican Policy Committee - the fourth highest-ranking member of the so-called conservative party. He was also an original member in the Promise Keepers (a hardcore Christian outfit whose sole purpose is to keep men faithful to their wives). Not only did he get caught cheating, Ensign put his concubine and several of her family members on the government payroll, too!
• Sounds like his promises as a Christian are about as honest and meaningful as his ones as a politician. Man, our government needs an enema…
• Apparently, these dudes read the same bible as the likes of Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney and Larry Craig (the airport bathroom guy) - you know, the bible that lets you just change God’s rules whenever they make you look like a hypocritical asshole.
• The world lost three huge celebrities this month in MJ, Ed McMahon and the amazing Farrah Fawcett. Here’s hoping the next time the Grim Reaper gets so feisty, he takes it out on some damn politicians instead.