Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


1. I hated having to root for the Giants and that 12-year-old, snot-nosed Eli Manning. But at least their victory wiped a little of the smugness off the faces of Brady, Belichik and Moss. I bet Eli stuck his tongue out at them and taunted, “Cheaters never win!”

2. Damn that Jessica Simpson! If she had only taken ME to Cabo, the Cowboys would’ve won the Super Bowl and all would be right in the world.

3. Just as we all finally learned to stop calling it Starplex, the Smirnoff Music Center has changed its name to Superpages.com. At 20 bucks to park and nearly $10 a beer, they should just call it what it really is — The F#*king Money Pit.

4. Speaking of over-priced entertainment, the new Cowboys stadium looks like it will be the greatest sporting arena ever built. Unfortunately, no real fans will ever see the inside of it. You’ll need a corporate AmEx Black card and a Beacon score of above 700 to buy a damn ticket!

5. Too bad Farmers Branch seems to be the only place in Texas taking a stand against illegal immigrants. That new border fence is really gonna f*ck up traffic on Stemmons.

6. Fred Thompson withdrew from the Republican Presidential race just in time. Dr. Frankenstein was about to sound the Amber Alert if he didn’t get back to the lab soon.

7. Had Thompson stayed in the running, venerated ice cream magnates Ben & Jerry were all set to name a new flavor for him. Guess we’ll never know how Crusty Old Bastard would have tasted...