Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


• According to a statement made by COB’s front man Alexi Laiho at their recent Dallas show, he got so drunk the night before the Dallas gig, he rolled out of his second-tier bunk on the tour bus and broke his shoulder in the fall. Guess bed rails ain’t just for infants and invalids anymore…

• Maybe he was just hoping for a starring role in the new hot reality series: MTV Crib Rails. All the hip, young artists who get too f*cked up to actually lie in bed without hurting themselves will have ‘em! Soon Xzibit will be pimpin’ them out.

• Anybody having a hard time recovering from the swine flu? Man, this stuff is worse than SARS, African killer bees, anthrax, the bird flu and that whole Y2K imbroglio all rolled into one! Answer me this: does anyone reading this know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who knows ANYONE who has it?

• The only thing more astounding than the paranoia surrounding this thing is the level it’s reached. They close ALL of FWISD for ten days? Really? 80,000 students get a second spring break? Why couldn’t the fear mongers have started this rumor back when I was in school, man? We used to hold freakin’ séances trying to conjure up one lousy snow day, for Christ’s sake.
• Leave it to the NRA, though, to somehow manage to make swine flu terror seem rational. In one of the most inane, downright abhorrent moves since the US funding of Al Qaeda in the ‘80s, the National Redneck Association decided to ‘honor’ Alaska governor Sarah Palin by commissioning— wait for it — an Alaskan-themed assault rifle in her name. Yeah, ‘cause nothing says love and respect like your own, personalized .50 caliber murder machine. You can’t write comedy like this, folks.

• I can just see her on TMZ, walking the red carpet at the next gala affair. “And here’s Governor Sarah Palin, looking divine this evening in a fabulous red Versace dress. Her shoes are Boticelli, the necklace is from Tiffany’s, the bracelet is Raymond Weil and her banana clip/shoulder bag is by Afghani Freedom Fighters.”

•And finally, a personal appeal: My band [Little Green Men] frequently performs the Styx song, “Renegade” in our live shows. If, by chance, you hear us do it and think it sounds even 1/4 as gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) as the duet version those two pretty boys on American Idol did May 5, please have the common courtesy to pull out your Palin-edition AR15 and shoot me right in the face. Some things you just can’t un-hear…