Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


Hello? Captain Obvious???

1. Lance Bass is releasing a book, Out Of Sync, in which he ‘outs’ himself in print and talks about being in the closet all those years with the band. You know when I knew he was gay? The first time I saw him dancing with N-f*cking-SNYC! The real shocker would be if he ‘came out’ as a guy with talent.

2. Maybe now President Bush will release his own book revealing that, despite his suave, sophisticated disposition, he actually has the IQ of a three-year-old autistic chimpanzee.

3. Or Britney Spears could shock the world with her new opus: Memoirs Of A Debutante: My Secret Life As A Drug-Addled Whore.

4. How about a Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins) tell-all autobiography that exposes him as a no-talent hack?

5. Ooh, I know! Barry Bonds pens a heartfelt reflection on his battle with steroids.

6. Wait, wait…What about David Caruso’s life story — How To Be A Total Douche And Still Get Rich And Famous…

7. No, no, I got it! Laura Miller writes a cutting, introspective self-exposé called F*ck Big D — It’s All About Me!