Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White
• Boy, the GOP sure has made it easy to write this column lately. Seems Hurricane Gustav has put a little damper on their National Convention this year. They’re toning it down to avoid another “Let them eat cake” photo op like Dubya and McCain had while Katrina ravaged Lousiana and Mississippi in 2005.
• They’re still not gonna do a damn thing to help out, mind you, but at least they’ll look more sensitive in the eyes of the sheep by not throwing a big celebration of just how great things are for the 1-percenters these days...
• I bet there were more people at that busted fiasco called Rock The Bayou than attended the Republican Convention. In fact, as we go to press, important speakers are pulling out faster than a teenage boy with a broken rubber on prom night.
• Speaking of broken rubbers, looks like John McCain’s chosen partner-in-crime, Sarah Palin, has some ‘splainin’ to do about her 17-year-old daughter’s unwed pregnancy. What about the Moral Majority? Don’t they frown on this type of thing? I bet she must’ve misplaced her ‘promise ring’. Speaks volumes for that “abstinence only” policy Republicans put into so-called sex education classes in schools.
“Well, it’s no Bourbon Street party, but it sure is a helluva nice cake, George!” (Photo taken on John McCain’s birthday - the day the levees broke in New Orleans)
• I grew up in a small town, so I’ve known my fair share of unwed teenage mothers. It’s the grandma who always gets stuck raising the kid. I can see it now...”Mrs. Vice President, we need you to go to Khazakstan on a good-will mission.” “Well, I’d love to, [takes big drag on cigarette] but my daughter, Bristol’s gotta pull a double at Wal-Mart and I’m stuck with her goddamn kid again.”
• If you buy into the whole, “Well, bless her heart. At least she didn’t have an abortion” flow of (il)logic, consider this: how much of an uproar would there be if this were Obama’s kid? How about Chelsea Clinton? Yeah, uh huh. That’s what I thought.
• Besides, this is old hat for Republican vee pee candidates. Let us not forget that Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary, also had a child out of wedlock. She wasn’t an ignorant, sexually irresponsible teenager, though. She was an adult lesbian who planned her pregnancy with her life partner. The only reason their son is a bastard child is because her bastard father (Cheney) and his buddies think gay marriage is morally reprehensible.