Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


• One of my predictions from the year-end issue came one step closer to fruition this month, as Barack Obama became the first-ever black candidate for the Presidency. Somewhere in the back woods of West Virginia, the rustling of white sheets could be heard…

• Meanwhile, Senator Clinton says she’s not conceding anything. You know, Hillary, I tried that during my divorce. I said, “She might be done with this marriage, but I’m not.” Trust me, Hillary. Even though you don’t think it’s over, you’re still gonna be sitting at home alone, watching Asian porn, eating Ramen and talking to your cats.

• So American Airlines thinks charging $15 for checked bags is the solution to their financial woes? As if seats designed for Pygmies, bitchy flight attendants and incessant delays/cancellations weren’t reason enough to love ‘em. Fly the friendly skies indeed…

• Say you own a restaurant. You have shitty food, terrible service, over a two-hour wait with an intrusive, unconstitutional security check, plus you like to seat 400 more people in your dining area than there’s room for. Would you really be surprised if people stopped coming? Oh wait, here’s the solution — charge them even more for a completely miserable experience! Yeah, that’s it!

• If I didn’t know better, I’d swear Dubya himself was running that airline. He does have a little experience with AA, after all…

• California has officially legalized gay marriage. We here at HB will sure miss our friend Shane. Good luck with the move, buddy!

• Word is that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. It’s nice to know she’s f*cking someone other than her fans these days…