Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


I just ordered a pizza online. Thanks to their slow-ass server, it took me 11 minutes to do so. Calling them would’ve taken like 35 seconds. Sad thing is, I’ve done this before - several times - so I know it takes forever. Why, WHY do I do it? Is there not enough frustration just living life? Geez...

I got an email from the Dallas Mavericks wanting me to ‘guarantee’ myself a face-value playoff ticket by using a nifty little tool of extortion called FirstDIBZ.com. I pay them $17-71, depending on seat/playoff round, for the rights to buy a ticket. You heard me. The fine print says that if the Mavs don’t make it, though, my ‘dibz’ money is non-refundable. So you want me to gamble seventy bucks on them making the playoffs? After last year??? Mr. Cuban, step away from the crack pipe...

My gasoline bill last month was more than my land line, cell, internet, water and electricity combined. It costs more to drive than to run a household. Is our government trying to force us into being couch potatoes?

Speaking of vegging out, I have a rather embarrassing confession: my name is Kevin, and I’m an American Idol watcher. There, I said it. Stop making fun of me, you posers! You know you watch it, too.

Hey, it could be worse. At least I don’t watch Dancing With The Stars, right Linda?

It was hard to tell when the TV writers ended their strike. There’s so much crap on the big networks these days, it seems like the good writers have been on strike since the mid-90s.

I must admit, I get suckered in by that Deal Or No Deal, though. Who would’ve though that Howie Mandel, a guy who spent the entire decade of the 80s with a f*ckin’ glove on his head, making baby voices and doing coke with Robin Williams, would ever be America’s game show darling? Makes me wanna shave my head and get a big hoop earring just so I can feel relevant again...